thinking of starting up my old religion again.

I suck at personal commitment.

Which is why I’ve excelled so well at being told what to do.

I don’t really *need* for someone to make my own decisions for me.  And I feel most empowered when I do it myself.


I interviewed a woman today who was everything I wish to be someday.

And then I push it off.  Someday isn’t today.

I want to be a writer, a coach, an entrepreneur.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to be a coach.

An inspiration who doesn’t have to interact with people?

She worked for [insert very big inspirational writer here]!!

She was intelligent, educated, and has been an executive assistant.


She’s been ME.

And if I’m going to be feeling all fulfilled, I’m gonna have to get back into my game.


Consistency.  I’m a work horse.  With ADHD characteristics.

Here’s a good description:

A polymath (Greek: πολυμαθής, polymathēs, “having learned much”) is a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas; such a person is known to draw on complex bodies of knowledge to solve specific problems.

Give me a task, and I’ll complete it for you.

Give myself a task, and I’ll give you an interrupted 500 reasons why I need to handle all this other shit first.


I want to BE for my creativity.  For intuitively knowing what should come next in my own advancement.

It started out as a goal to get my medical degree.  And at the last minute, I bailed (for good reasons, sure).  And then the deaths, the grief, the [excuses].

My goals are the same.  I want to write.

And dress in drag on stage like a total rockstar.  Which isn’t really it, but that persona is.

It’s a lot of wants without the appropriate action.  Gods, I’m an abused dog.  Let me show you, I can be SO much, but I was hit once before and now as soon as we’re feeling great and loyal and happy, I flinch.


All this makes me wonder if those who make it big aren’t terrible compartmentalized in such a huge way.  How on earth does it keep their attention?



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