thinking of starting up my old religion again.

I suck at personal commitment.

Which is why I’ve excelled so well at being told what to do.

I don’t really *need* for someone to make my own decisions for me.  And I feel most empowered when I do it myself.

+++

I interviewed a woman today who was everything I wish to be someday.

And then I push it off.  Someday isn’t today.

I want to be a writer, a coach, an entrepreneur.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to be a coach.

An inspiration who doesn’t have to interact with people?

She worked for [insert very big inspirational writer here]!!

She was intelligent, educated, and has been an executive assistant.

+++

She’s been ME.

And if I’m going to be feeling all fulfilled, I’m gonna have to get back into my game.

+++

Consistency.  I’m a work horse.  With ADHD characteristics.

Here’s a good description:

A polymath (Greek: πολυμαθής, polymathēs, “having learned much”) is a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas; such a person is known to draw on complex bodies of knowledge to solve specific problems.

Give me a task, and I’ll complete it for you.

Give myself a task, and I’ll give you an interrupted 500 reasons why I need to handle all this other shit first.

+++

I want to BE for my creativity.  For intuitively knowing what should come next in my own advancement.

It started out as a goal to get my medical degree.  And at the last minute, I bailed (for good reasons, sure).  And then the deaths, the grief, the [excuses].

My goals are the same.  I want to write.

And dress in drag on stage like a total rockstar.  Which isn’t really it, but that persona is.

It’s a lot of wants without the appropriate action.  Gods, I’m an abused dog.  Let me show you, I can be SO much, but I was hit once before and now as soon as we’re feeling great and loyal and happy, I flinch.

+++

All this makes me wonder if those who make it big aren’t terrible compartmentalized in such a huge way.  How on earth does it keep their attention?

 

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